Thursday, July 13, 2017

"I Wanna Get Better"

Life is some crazy shit sometimes.

Since my last post I have begun treatment for CPTSD, which has been eye-opening, affirming, and at times incredibly difficult.  On the positive side, I am learning about emotional flashbacks, my personal triggers, and strategies that help to manage the challenges of living with past trauma.  Not surprisingly, the process of digging into my past has been like picking a scab, or re-breaking a limb.  This week I became so overwhelmed that my therapist suggested I take a week off.  I may have been trying to process too much too quickly, to the point where I was being re-traumatized.  As a result, the first three days of this week were extremely difficult to get through.

Over the past few months I have also been undergoing daily TMS sessions.  TMS stands for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, a relatively new form of treatment for folks like myself who have not responded to traditional therapies (i.e. medicine). As of this writing I've had 38 sessions, and have seen improvement.  My hope is that my continued therapy, combined with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) will provide relief and a chance at a "normal" life, or at least a new normal that includes a happier version of me.

I have chosen, for the time being, to not be employed.  I want to be at my best (whatever that looks like) before I dive back into the working world.  I will probably seek part-time work, at least to start.  I thank God that my husband is working and is supportive of all I am doing to achieve wellness.  The academic in me has been writing about the process.  Organizing the past fifty years into chapters, sub-sections, etc. has been a helpful way for me to understand the role that trauma has played in my life as someone living with Complex PTSD.

I realize that I am in the eye of the hurricane right now.  My life is in transition, and I can only guess how things will be when the next phase begins.  I definitely have a new appreciation for the term "blind faith"!   I'm living through it, though - and right now, today, I am OK.

Thx for reading.  PEACE.